Can Money Buy You Happiness?

 < Journaling Day 3 Prompt >

Can money buy you happiness? I would say yes and no!

Happiness is a journey of life, not one day which seems to be the happiest day of my life. Happiness is joy, happiness is togetherness, happiness is self love. Or, happiness is simply being content with your present and not looking back or ahead in time. It is not easy to achieve that so most of us seek joy and mindfulness. Happiness could be eating your favorite flavor of ice-cream after a long time. It could also be achieving your dreams and seeing your parents proud of you. It could even be just a simple message from a close friend after a long time, unprompted. These moments can sometimes be bought using money but not always. You cannot buy your dreams or pay your friend to text you so that you could feel happy. Yes, you can buy an ice-cream and have a gala time, but is it actually equivalent to the feeling of happiness or content? For a person who could not afford to even buy a meal the whole day would be delighted when presented with an ice-cream. On the other hand, another well-off person might be overjoyed when seeing that unique flavor of ice cream after a long time, but may go off to sleep at night, crying. 

Money does help us in achieving those small moments of pure joy or happiness, when there is no worry in the world. But, those moments are not always the moments we remember as our happiest moments. Try to remember and describe your moment/s where you felt unadulterated happiness. Is it the day you graduated and saw the happy tears in your parent's eyes? Is it the day you achieved something you have always wished of achieving? Is it the day your baby was born and you saw their eyes open for the first time? Or maybe you were the done who delivered the baby and held a newborn in your hands for the first time? There are so many instances one could think of when such moments happen and these are the moments we live for. You might feel very happy when you've bought a new dress or a piece of jewellery. But, those moments would pass. 

But, yes money does help us reach that level of happiness but it cannot buy us happiness completely. You need someone to share that happiness with. I have been through a lonely period of time when I had money, but that money did not get me through those years of depression. It was my family and my closest friends who helped. Money helped me get excited over small joys, like a hearty meal after a long day but it did not get rid of the loneliness, sadness, helplessness and hopelessness. 

So, Yes, Money can buy you small bouts of happiness, but other feelings (like love, proudness, friendship, etc.) will bring you moments of happiness which you will be able to recollect even after decades of your life.

Good Morning and Happy Raksha Bandhan to anyone who is reading. 🍀

Journaling Day 2: What emotions am I holding on to?

 Good morning you! 

Today's journaling prompt brings out so many more emotions that I didn't even know I was holding on to. There are so many that I don't understand where to start from. There is the emotion of sadness and betrayal from so many people, including my family. There is the feeling of disgust at the present world and at the views of certain people. There is the feeling of regret of not doing what I should have done and how I let my life be at a standstill for almost 4-5 years. 

But there is also happiness and feeling proud of myself for moving on and building my life and myself again. There is the feeling of gratitude towards myself and towards others who stood by me when my life was crumbling. But, somehow these positive feelings take a backseat every time and make me feel that I do not deserve these feelings. I try every day and I am bringing myself back together day after day. It will take time but it will happen one day. That day I'll actually be able to be proud of myself for achieving everything that I have and will in the future. My life doesn't get to be still anymore. I am just mending my wings before I fly again.

Have a good day ahead. 🌸

Journaling Day 1: What do I know to be true that I didn’t know a year ago?

 A year ago would be August 2020 or let's just say the year COVID lockdown happened. Final exams of my dental degree were postponed. Part 2 of final year had just started online. I was at my home finally after spending the initial months with my relatives. My dog had started getting used to his new home. Was I at my best? No. I was getting myself through each day hoping for a future which looked very uncertain right now. I had already lost 2 years of my life before my career has even started. What did the future even hold right now? Did I ever thought about leaving everything and pursuing an easier alternative? Definitely. But did I ever leave? No.

Fast forward one year, I have given my last theoretical exam of my Bachelors degree. It went really well. Waiting for my practical exam and I know this time that I will ace them. The day won't be far when I can finally put Dr. before my name. Ah! finally!

What changed in this year? 

Well, a lot has changed in the span of one year. I am at a better place mentally and physically. I look back and I cannot understand where all these years went by. I stood in my own shadows and let life crumble me over and over again. I have learnt in this year that no one is above my mental peace and if something is not agreeing with me, I shall ignore that thing or person from my life. My priority in life is Me, Myself and I. This might sound selfish but I have given myself to others for the last 25 years honestly. I did not gain anything. They moved on with their lives and left me rotting. All I lost was my self esteem and self confidence. Those days are long gone now. This is a new Me. And I shall not let anyone, not even my family, ever bring me down. I will not stay quiet and listen to your shit. I will speak and I will make sure others hear me. This last year has changed me a lot and has shown a lot about who actually belongs in my life. My life came to a standstill but I shall fly now and everyone will see me thrive and as my school's motto used to be "Soaring High Is My Nature", I will soar higher and higher.

Biphobia - The Middle Stand

When you are gay, you are a part of the gang. When you are straight, you are an outsider. But, where do bisexuals stand?
Biphobia is the fear and dislike of bisexuals. We live in a generation which has widely accepted the L,G, and T of the spectrum, but what about the 'B'? Bisexuals are still called confused or in the process of fully accepting that they are gay or highly promiscuous. Many such misconceptions, as shown in the picture above, run through the minds of majority of the population even today when they hear "bisexual". This discrimination is not just seen in the Cis-Het populace but is widespread in the LGBTQIA+ community. Many homosexuals regard them as an insult to the community because they are one step closer to being heterosexual and that they can blend in with the Cis-Het population effectively. Even though, the LGBTQIA+ community is all about breaking stereotypes and inclusion of every person who has ever felt left out. So, why are bisexuals so hated on, when we strive for the freedom to love whoever we want to and make love with whoever we wish to?

Troubled Waters

Troubled Waters Sketch

Sitting in a room, alone. Pin drop silence, except for the million thoughts racing in my mind. What would have happened if I did not do this, 5 years back? What would have happened if i said this instead of that? What if that person was right? What if I am not good enough? Why do I look like this? If this happened to him, how would I react? Okay, shut up brain. But if that did not happen, how would I react? I should sleep. No, maybe I should light up another cigarette. Or, maybe I need to eat. Wait, I should not. I have gained so much weight, I do not need another calorie in my body. But then, the headache! Why is my life like this? Why can I not have a single moment of peace? Ugh. And voila! The brain has entered a new dimension of sadness, created by my own pretty little head in the past four hours. The cycle continues. Eat. Sleep. Overthink. Repeat.

Honestly sometimes, I binge watch Netflix so I can flee from the piercing screams of silence. Because I am scared of silence. Silence is my mind's passage to overthinking, which further pushes me deeper into the fantasy land that I have created. 

Many have told me to take it easy and it will be alright in some time. I have tried. Many times. It has been more than three years. Did it get better? Yeah, sometimes it did. Sometimes, it pushed me deeper and deeper into the hole I created for myself. Did I get help? Yes, I tried. The first time, I spoke continuously for 60 minutes. It felt like a huge boulder had been hanging over my head and it was broken down into a smaller piece. I felt happy. I felt relief. I was excited for my next appointment. But, I completely forgot about the appointment. You know what happened next? Overthinking. I still pushed myself to try. I called, apologize and booked another one after a week. This time, I missed it again because I had another one of my depressive episodes and it was back. Overthinking. This time, I did not have the energy to push out those thoughts and it hit harder. I wasted their time. Twice. I do not deserve the help. I should not have gone only. I could not keep up with the responsibility of a simple appointment. Obviously, my life is a failure. I am a failure. If I go again, she will judge me. She'll think I am not serious for this. She might think I didn't come back because I thought she was bad. But, she was so sweet and caring. I should never go back.

Fast forward one year, here we are. Did I go back? No. I could not. Did I consider other options? Yes, I did because I knew it will help me. Did I pursue them? No. Why? Because I did not have the time. Or I was lazy and tired, most of the time. Or I could not push myself to get off the bed. Or, I just did not push myself farther. 

I was in troubled waters, but it was my brother who pulled me out of it. He made me realize that I was making excuses to my own self. Let alone all the excuses I made to others. He made me realize I just had to make the choice between letting depression hold a sword over my head or pulling out all the needles that depression had impaled me with, over the years. He may not have realized how big an impact he made in my life, but he did. A huge one. 

Am I completely out of it? No, I am not. But, it is a gradual process and it takes time. I am working on myself every day. Sometimes, you need to sail through troubled waters to come out stronger. Baby steps, till then.

If you are reading this and thinking it is all so relatable, reach out to your friends, family, lover, teacher, or any human you can trust. Just talk and you will feel the weight lift off. And if you have no one, ping me up and i shall be there for you. 

Take care. You are a beautiful soul. 💕

Da Vinci Code: A Review

One of my favorite and recently read books include the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. This is a mystery thriller which is sure to keep you entrapped in the book for the time that you’re reading it. It is about the age old conspiracy of Jesus Christ marrying Mary Magdalene. A murder leads to Robert Langdon being pulled into this debate and fight, along with the victim’s granddaughter, Sophie Neveu. They determine to find the Truth which leads to Sophie finding her long lost family back amongst an entwined puzzle game.

I love this book because of the thrill and suspense of the story. Also, there is something or the other happening at every single moment in the book. Conversely, there has been many controversies regarding the storyline and the theory on which it is based. I, personally believe that this book is for an open-minded person who is mature enough to take things in a practical perspective. I do practice religion but not because I believe there is a God, but because it gives me assurance that there’s someone with me during the worst of all times. For me, the concept of God has never been proved and so is his/her existence. Also, if Jesus did exist then what is wrong in him marrying or having kids? Today’s Christianity is a religion which has helped a lot in the advancement of human tribe but at the same time the mindsets need to be changed about marriage. Dan Brown, in this book, has opened eyes about the female sex which is extremely relevant in today’s life. Everyone should read this book for understanding how wrong our omens are. In simple language, Dan Brown has told things which need to be told.