Sitting in a room, alone. Pin drop silence, except for the million thoughts racing in my mind. What would have happened if I did not do this, 5 years back? What would have happened if i said this instead of that? What if that person was right? What if I am not good enough? Why do I look like this? If this happened to him, how would I react? Okay, shut up brain. But if that did not happen, how would I react? I should sleep. No, maybe I should light up another cigarette. Or, maybe I need to eat. Wait, I should not. I have gained so much weight, I do not need another calorie in my body. But then, the headache! Why is my life like this? Why can I not have a single moment of peace? Ugh. And voila! The brain has entered a new dimension of sadness, created by my own pretty little head in the past four hours. The cycle continues. Eat. Sleep. Overthink. Repeat.
Honestly sometimes, I binge watch Netflix so I can flee from the piercing screams of silence. Because I am scared of silence. Silence is my mind's passage to overthinking, which further pushes me deeper into the fantasy land that I have created.
Many have told me to take it easy and it will be alright in some time. I have tried. Many times. It has been more than three years. Did it get better? Yeah, sometimes it did. Sometimes, it pushed me deeper and deeper into the hole I created for myself. Did I get help? Yes, I tried. The first time, I spoke continuously for 60 minutes. It felt like a huge boulder had been hanging over my head and it was broken down into a smaller piece. I felt happy. I felt relief. I was excited for my next appointment. But, I completely forgot about the appointment. You know what happened next? Overthinking. I still pushed myself to try. I called, apologize and booked another one after a week. This time, I missed it again because I had another one of my depressive episodes and it was back. Overthinking. This time, I did not have the energy to push out those thoughts and it hit harder. I wasted their time. Twice. I do not deserve the help. I should not have gone only. I could not keep up with the responsibility of a simple appointment. Obviously, my life is a failure. I am a failure. If I go again, she will judge me. She'll think I am not serious for this. She might think I didn't come back because I thought she was bad. But, she was so sweet and caring. I should never go back.
Fast forward one year, here we are. Did I go back? No. I could not. Did I consider other options? Yes, I did because I knew it will help me. Did I pursue them? No. Why? Because I did not have the time. Or I was lazy and tired, most of the time. Or I could not push myself to get off the bed. Or, I just did not push myself farther.
I was in troubled waters, but it was my brother who pulled me out of it. He made me realize that I was making excuses to my own self. Let alone all the excuses I made to others. He made me realize I just had to make the choice between letting depression hold a sword over my head or pulling out all the needles that depression had impaled me with, over the years. He may not have realized how big an impact he made in my life, but he did. A huge one.
Am I completely out of it? No, I am not. But, it is a gradual process and it takes time. I am working on myself every day. Sometimes, you need to sail through troubled waters to come out stronger. Baby steps, till then.
If you are reading this and thinking it is all so relatable, reach out to your friends, family, lover, teacher, or any human you can trust. Just talk and you will feel the weight lift off. And if you have no one, ping me up and i shall be there for you.
Take care. You are a beautiful soul. 💕
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